It’s nearly 5:30AM, and I am awake. I am not sure how I feel, but I am here, and I am awake.
I am slightly saddened that every time I say, “I’m done,” you manage to crawl back into my life shortly after. It’s nearly 5:30AM, and today is the last day of the year. I’m not sure if I was telling the truth or if I was speaking lies. All I know is that my mind was filled with endless thoughts and that my muted mouth refused to let out words that should have been said. A tinge of sadness and disappointment, maybe? Maybe that’s what held me back. My pre-thought out “sorry”s and “thank you”s were held captive, and well, you may never come to hear it. I am confused yet happy, and as good as I am at picking apart and analyzing five hundred page novels, I am clueless when it comes to analyzing this story. The “why”s and “what”s and “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve”s remain unanswered. Maybe it’s not something to over think or over analyze or pick apart. Maybe it is what it is. We are not done as friends, but I am done feeling bitter, angry, sad, upset, disappointed, hopeless, etc. I’m not sure whether I’ve become emotionless and numb or stronger and content, but I do hope it’s the latter. I’ve been ignorant of change and turned a blind eye, refusing to believe that people and feelings do, in fact, change. Clinging on to an idea and falling into repeated cycles, I wallowed in this pit of negative emotions. One night—that night—I hit the bottom. Hard. You came back and left, came back and left, little progress or forgiveness to be shown. So naive was I to believe my thought up fantasies would line up with reality, but that’s okay. All in all, I am okay. I am content. In the midst of it all, in the midst of being surrounded by friends that are all in relationships, it gets a bit lonely sometimes. But that’s okay. I get by, and I am content with small day to day things. So cheers, because I am me. I am content. I am no longer in this pit. It took me 245 days, but hey, that’s fine.
To a new year and to achieving greatness. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.
